my brain is so full of thoughts about robert forever feeling inadequate in his own family and how he might run his mouth and act cocky with john but that it really just has to eat away at him in the same way andy used to. like what do you mean this man you barely know at all is welcome. what do you mean i should move away from the place i was born, where my mother died, where i found a way to accept myself, where i made a family, where i finally felt like i belonged. what do you mean i still dont fit in but this stranger slipped right in and you all embrace him. that you all love him more just like everyone always loved andy more. what do you mean Victoria is on the side of a man she’s known for a year and not the brother shes known all her life. i know that shit eats away at him. cuz it fuckin eats away at me to think about.
what really breaks my heart from today’s episode is the implication of how robert sees himself now, how aware he is of how he’s being perceived.
robert’s never been the most beloved man in the village. before he left he’d settled, that’s true, but everyone had a story about how robert manipulated them that one time, or how he did this awful thing but they couldn’t prove it. well, now they can.
every single person in that village knows that robert sugden went to prison for murder and they can write him off on that piece of information alone. doesn’t matter if he pleaded guilty or not, doesn’t matter if he regrets it or not, doesn’t matter if the sentence was reduced on appeal, doesn’t matter how badly he was treated in prison, none of that matters. he will forever be judged by the worst thing he’s ever done. all those people that had an axe to grind can now look at him down their nose and say “see, i always knew you were a wrong’un”.
which is why he was so pleased with caleb giving him that job: he’d never met him before and he doesn’t know anything about him except the vitriol that came out of cain’s mouth, and he still thought he deserved a chance to get back on his feet. and it’s also why he looked sad but ultimately not surprised when caleb sacked him… younger robert would’ve never taken it lying down, he would’ve screamed and raged and walked out in a huff swearing vengeance to them and their entire lineage for humiliating him like that…… older robert knows he doesn’t have that luxury. that mask he used to put on of the successful, self-assured and ruthless businessman doesn’t serve him anymore. all he can do is take it on the chin and tell himself a story that it doesn’t bother him that much because he knows that’s his future now. endless rejections.
and the worst part is he thinks he deserves it!! he doesn’t deserve caleb’s mercy, he doesn’t deserve his sister’s understanding and he especially doesn’t deserve aaron’s love (but he can’t help but want it anyway).
the only thing that’s giving us glimpses of the old robert, the thing that’s keeping him going right now is the absolute certainty that john is worse than him and needs to be exposed to save the people he loves because that’s the only thing he can offer them!!!! bc if he’s not being useful and protecting them they wouldn’t want him around!!!!!!!! HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF THEM BUT HE’S THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BUT THAT WOULD MAKE HIM A BURDEN AND HIS TRAUMA WON’T LET HIM!!!!!!
sorry for the long-ass post but… he really is my character of all time and i can’t stop thinking about how sad and alone he feels right now 😔
Robert’s back in the village and Aaron’s trying to cope. He ignores the flashes of Robert, a deluge after six years of drought, and he remembers that good he has in his life. Reminds himself that he’s happily married, that he has found something good and stable, found something that feels real for the first time since Robert is ignoring Robert’s presence in the village. The voice in his head telling him it isn’t enough is one he can control, one he can quieten.